Change

Teshima, Japan 2022

Sometimes I forget how much I've grown from who I was. When I looked back onto my old posts, there was a lot of frustration in how i felt people were 'wrong in how they acted or were' according to me, and I used to value being right and argue to the detriment of relationships whether it be friendships or my relationships with my parents. I thought I needed to change peoples opinions and I would make them listen but I didn't realise all I was doing was speaking at them. I wouldn't listen to what they had to say and I couldn't see from their POV. In fact I refused to. Poor Hong and Jasmine used to go through it. I'm lucky that they gave me the space and were patient enough with me to learn how to hear people out and not be insensitive and say whatever I wanted despite what other people thought or felt. Like I said before, I really didn't value emotions back then, I really thought only logic was supreme. 

Anyway, learning that lesson was harder to translate for my relationship with my parents though. In a previous post those 10 years ago, I said something along the lines of "im going to change my family's dynamic if its the last thing I do". omg so embarrasing, bruh. but I can remember all those times when I was living with them. I was so frustrated because of their cognitive dissonance. They were meant to be adults in my eyes yet they acted like children. Not being accountable for their emotions, their actions and how they came across when they would say horrible things. Being in that space, I also became so reactionary and bitter. Everything was tinted in frustation, irritation. I moved out and my relationship with them became better. It took many years but I healed, I let them be and finally I had hope. Our relationship was so much better that I thought we could go back to Vietnam without incident. Back when I was young I was told by my mum how stressful it was for her when they came back to VN. They would argue about money or visiting eachothers home towns and their families not getting along but me being a kid (16yo and 23yo lol) I didn't understand that, if you've ever been on holidays with your parents you just go with the flow and both families treated us so well, I looked forward to going back when I did, which was rare, like every 7 years. I look back now and only now do I realise and notice things I didn't before. Makes me think wow I thought I knew shit back then but I really didnt lol. I didn't notice things like my mum talking shit about my dads family and instigating shit all the time. Shit like that. Just scraping the top of the barrell at this point. I had hope and that hope was so severely destroyed during this last vietnam trip. I truly saw witness to so much shit. My eyes were wide open. I took a big mental blow coming back from that trip. I handled it in the moment very well. You just keep going in those moments where you can't stop and I am proud of how I dealt with it at the time because literally everyone else, my sister, kiet, my sisters boyfriend, my viet cousin could not deal with my mums behaviour, I was literally a wall between my mum and everyone. I knew though that when I came back to australia, I would have to process all that shit when I could calm down and it took me about 1 month to not be so angry and to not blame myself for trusting her so much. Finally when the sting left my, I was able to digest everything and to even begin to explore the thought of what the fuck was she really thinking at that time. I really had to flex my empathic muscle and it helped hearing one of my close patients who I was recounting a summary of the trip to say "but you can see that she just wanted you to have a good time, she just went overboard" at that time I could not even stomach that thought but now looking back I can see that it truly was that. 

My mum who didn't have experience with planning any trips, didn't have experience leading any groups, who hadn't explored any part of the world including the country she grew up in was trying and horribly flailing at doing all that. My mum who I had put my faith into organising this trip, who also was happy to handle it all, fully dumped all that responsibility onto her family members without even so much as a thought about how they had their own lives to get on with. Theres so much shit. Anyway, it was my mistake now that I look back I thought it was her home country she should be able to easily organise it and esp with the help of her family. It doesn't excuse her horrible behaviour towards everyone including my dads side of the family and my uncle her own brother but it helps my own mental by understanding the reasons behind how she acted. It helps me move on. 

There was a saying I came across recently and it was something along the lines of "stop trying to change your parents, the kindest thing to do for them is to meet them where they are now in their mental journey." 

Thank you to the algorithm for working even though it's sus for somehow knowing I was going through it.... but it really did resonate with this situation and helped me stomach it. It's true, I never want to think about it because I feel so sad, but about my mum's life it is a tragic one. One that a lot of vietnamese refugees experience. Newly adult and then a war starting. Escaping that and just focused on surviving. Came over here got married and was busy raising us, still in survival mode because we didn't have much money, didn't have her sisters or relatives here to ask for advice on how to raise us, had to learn how to make vietnamese dishes by herself, couldn't learn english because she was busy raising us, didn't have time to think about her own mental, couldn't live an adult life as an individual only as a mother and wife. Now her happiness is tied to the family. So codependant and yet when I think of all this it makes me again want to help her do better. To find her own happiness. Full circle it makes me want to change her. This time I'm coming from a place of empathy and not a place of ' me being right in how I think'. I hope and am let down so many times now by her though, and yet again now. I have learnt over the years that you can't help everyone and you shouldn't. That doesn't mean that I can't sympathise or I am less of a friend though. It means I can help people when they are ready and are receptive to it. god I sound self righteous but it comes from experience haha

As I type this post, even though I can now understand my mums actions during the trip, I'm not sure if I have forgiven her or not but what I have done is drawn a boundary. A very hard one and that in itself is a big thing for both of us. 

big one off my chest lol. also lol I never said I was going to be consistent in posting lol.

- Lyhnn