aware ;

I'm just a growing girl. Still learning the ropes of lie. Why is it that I am the most self aware in my family. The only one that is reasonable enough to later comprehend correctly what needs to be done after an issue has come up. That in itself means that there's seriously wrong with the mental health of my family. Ofc I still have characteristics passed down to me but at least I can accept them and with a lot of time and enough practice get rid of them. Identifying and accepting the issue is the first step. I live in a family that does things emotionally. They react emotionally to everything and everyday everyone is highly strung except me which sometimes even adds to their highstrungness.

We are all at fault for the outcome of that child. The child is the blank canvas which the parents carve into first. I still have one thing I can not do easily which is forgive. I still can not let it go. When it happens to people I care about. I just can't. How can you forgive when the issue is still present. I just can't I can't do it. Thinking about the past events stir me inside just thinking about it. Only time will heal this. I have to make the issue the thing of the past.

I've also found something about myself recently. People think I may not know but I know. Believe me when I say that I know when I'm in the wrong but I'm trying really hard to fix it. People are baring with it right now as I'm trying to fix it. Know that I know and I'm trying.

When I tell them what it is they are doing right now while they are arguing with me. They faulter and check themselves only for a fraction of a second but they understand. Some of them will still keep arguing because their pride does not want them to lose the argument but I'll know that they will later look at themselves and know that I was right.

I will piece together this family. One by one. One issue at a time. Last time I tried to handle everything all in one go but I burst into tears unable to comprehend myself. I fckn hated it and I hated that I was crying. I will do it this time. Even if it takes me whole life I always felt shit for running away but i will straighten every little kink in my sister. I will try to understand and uncoil my stoic father and I will calm my mum down.

Both parents are the result of their parents. Its so hard for me to change both. Both are stubborn and prideful.

How is it I can solves these problems with such clarity but then lose myself every time it's concerning myself. It must be frustrating to everyone I talk to. I understand that as well.

- Lyhnn